I am part of the club.
The one that I never, in a million years, wanted to be a part of.
I had a miscarriage. My precious baby is in heaven, instead of here where I can hold her and hug her and talk to her every day. I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, you’re in the club too.
I’m sorry.
A few months ago I heard about an infant loss/miscarriage memorial service that was taking place at a nearby church, and my husband and I, along with our two daughters, decided to attend. We didn’t really have any idea what to expect. (What even happens at a miscarriage memorial service, anyway??)
But I had always felt sad that our baby never had a funeral of any kind, and so we decided to go and see what it was like. The evening was called A Walk to Remember. Here’s what happened, and what I learned:
Arrival
As soon as we walked into the church lobby, I noticed all sorts of things set up for the event: there were gift boxes, bracelets, and a tree where attendees could memorialize their babies by name.
Lesson #1: Our baby was (and is!) a real person. Her life isn’t imaginary just because it was incredibly short.
Of course, I already knew this. But sometimes it’s hard to remember.
A lot of people named their babies. Seeing those names written over and over made me feel like our babies were really being acknowledged as real people. It was actually very comforting.
It’s hard when you lose a baby you were never able to see or hold, but having a lot of tangible reminders displayed helped make my baby seem a lot more real.
The Service
The service took place in the church’s sanctuary. There was music and a little message.
I noticed right away that there were a lot of kids in the service! We had both of our girls with us, too, although my in-laws did watch them for us during the service.
Lesson #2: It’s OK to be sad about the baby you lost even after having more babies.
There are a lot of very subtle lies you can start to believe after you lose a baby, and one of them is that you don’t deserve to be sad if you were able to get pregnant and have another baby. It was encouraging to see so many people who had kids, still honoring the ones they lost. It was like they were saying to us, “It’s still ok to grieve the one that you lost, even while you enjoy the ones that you have.”
Lesson #3: We are far from alone.
At the end of the service there was a candle lighting. Each baby’s name was called, and each family got to come forward and light a candle. It was an acknowledgement to their babies’ lives, and to their deaths. There were so many candles, and so many families.
I learned that we are far from alone in our experiences. You hear the numbers about how common miscarriage is, but it’s different when you are surrounded by all of those people. There are a lot of us. I’m not alone, and you’re not alone. It’s a powerful feeling to know that you are understood by so many who have been though the same thing you have.
The Candlelit Walk
My husband would often ask me, right after the miscarriage, if I wanted to talk about it. And I did. But I honestly had nothing to say. I had a hard time thinking up any new way to express my feelings.
So this quiet, candlelit walk around the church ended up being a way for us to talk about it again, a year later. We remembered what it was like then, and talked about what it’s like for both of us now. We talked about how God has been with us so far, and how we know that he will continue to be with us going forward, no matter what happens.
Sometimes it’s good to have a reason to go back and talk about the hard times.
The Balloon Release
My in-laws watched our daughters for us during the service and while we went on the candlelit walk, but we had the girls join us again to write a message to our baby on a balloon. We kept it pretty light-hearted, but I think it’s important for our kids to know about the baby, and to see us dealing with big feelings, like grief and sadness.
Lesson #4: You don’t have to keep all your feelings to yourself in order to protect others.
We told Emma, “There was a baby in Mommy’s tummy that died, and is living in heaven now with Jesus. And she’s very happy there, and we’re happy that she’s safe and happy. But we also feel very sad for ourselves because we miss her so much.”
Then we let Emma write a message to the baby on the balloon we were going to release. She’s 3, so she wrote a bunch of squiggly lines. 😉
The balloons had these cool little lights in them, and we turned them on and went outside to release them into the air. It looked so pretty when they all drifted upwards.
However, Emma had gotten a little attached to our balloon, and started crying when we told her we were supposed to let it go. So, we kept ours instead of releasing it. (We know better than to pick an argument with a 3 year old who is up way past her bedtime!)
Then we packed two sleepy little girls into the car and headed home.
The Next Day
The next day we opened up the little gift that had been given to us, and inside we found flower seeds to plant. We planted the flowers, and remembered our baby.
Lesson #5: Traditions and memorials can help.
On our baby’s due date we bought a flowering bush, and planted it below the nursery window in the flowerbed outside. I smile every time I see it, because it helps me remember and honor our baby. I’ve found that little things like this can help.
Overall, the infant loss and miscarriage memorial service turned out to be a very good experience, and an important reminder of God’s love- towards us, and towards our baby. I’m so glad we were able to go.
In this article I shared with you five lessons that I have been learning along my miscarriage journey. I would love to hear the lessons you’ve been learning along your journey, too. Let me know in the comments, ok?
John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
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