The Organized Mom Life

An organized approach to pregnancy, baby, and beyond

15 ways to help a friend who had a miscarriage

I recently went through my second miscarriage, and I am so grateful for the friends and family that went out of their way to show their love and support during this time.

Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to say to a friend who has had a miscarriage- especially if you have never walked that path, yourself. And there’s a lot of pressure because you don’t want to say the wrong thing. I get it! So I decided to crate a list of ways to show your love and care for your friend during this time.

I should say that I didn’t create this list by myself- I had input from about a dozen ladies who have also had miscarriages, and wanted to help give you ideas of how to care for others during this time. You will find quotes from these wonderful ladies in italics throughout this article.

Thank you so much to those of you who were willing to share! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and openness.

1. Send a card

It might seem really simple, but a card is a wonderful way to reach out to a friend and acknowledge their loss. It’s ok if you don’t know what to write in it. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just let them know that you’re sorry, you’re thinking of them, and praying for them.

“The card my aunt send was such a relief. She acknowledged my son’s life, our loss. She came right out and said it. It was extremely comforting to know he existed! He counted to someone other than me. He was real! He was loved.“

2. Listen

Your friend might not want to talk about her miscarriage, and that’s ok. You can still offer to be a listening ear if or when she does want to talk.

“Don’t ignore the death of your friend’s unborn baby, but do follow your friend’s lead. The truth is, she just might not be ready to talk about it yet. You can still support her by telling her how sorry you are. Don’t push her to talk, but tell her that you would love to listen whenever she feels like talking about it.“

“Sometimes it is ok to admit you don’t have any idea of what they are going through, but you are happy to lend a listening ear. Often times I don’t talk about my miscarriage or my infertility because I am not sure that the other person feels comfortable listening. I wish more people would offer to listen.”

3. Remember the baby’s due date

Mark your calendar with the baby’s due date. When it comes, send flowers, a card, or a message to let your friend know that you love and care about her, and that you are remembering her baby with her, every day, but especially on this day.

Mother’s Day is another time when your friend might appreciate a kind note or message letting her know that you are thinking about her, and remembering her baby in heaven with her.

“Even if you ask her periodically how she is doing and you have been thinking of her, it means a lot. The date the baby was due and mothers day are especially hard for me. When someone lets me know they are praying or asks how we are doing, it means so much to me.”

4. Pray

 Prayer is so important. After I shared the news of our miscarriage with our family and friends, and asked them to pray for us, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. God listens to prayer and answers prayers, so it is an extremely tangible way to help a friend.

“Don’t underestimate the impact that prayer has in any area of your life.”

5. Let your friend decide how much she wants to share, and support her decision.

Everyone deals with a miscarriage differently, and your friend has the right to choose how much or how little she is comfortable sharing. Follow her lead.

“Miscarriage sucks but so many women have unfortunately experienced it. I ended up posting about my experience on Facebook because I truly believe there needs to be more discussion about it. Before I posted, I felt like I was keeping this secret and I didn’t want to feel like that. I had over 20 people reach out to me to stay they’d also experienced a miscarriage and I wasn’t alone.”

6. Be willing to share your own story

Although I wouldn’t suggest sharing every detail of your own story unless your friend asks to hear it… it can be nice to hear “I’ve been there.” That simple statement can make a big difference to someone who might be feeling isolated or alone.

“Honestly, I found talking to other women who had gone through the same thing helpful.”

“Just be. Be there to listen if they need you. You could share your own experience, let them know they’re not alone. The worst part is the isolation.”

7. Send flowers

This is another thoughtful way to acknowledge your friend and her grief, and let her know that you care about her.

“The only thing I thought to do was take her a card and flowers. She said no one else had been to visit. I’m so glad I was there for her in her time of grief.”

8. Give a gift

A small gift is a thoughtful way to acknowledge your friend and the loss that she is going through. Here are a few of my favorite ideas:

  • A plant or a tree that can be planted in the baby’s honor
  • A gift basket (maybe some of your favorite things from Target, or a few spa/relaxation/beauty items)
  • A piece of jewelry
  • A book or journal (I like this one.)
  • A freshly baked dessert
  • A decorative box to hold memories, such as ultrasound pictures
  • An Edible Arrangement
  • A gift card to go out for dinner, or order take-out

“Words aren’t really necessary. Try to love with action instead, either through a meal, gift card, thoughtful gift, or by helping them out.”

“Visit them. Buy them a journal so they can write down thoughts and feelings. Pray with them. Bring lotion and massage their feet. Let them know they are loved. Just be there for them, even if that means sitting in silence, keeping them company. Later down the road help them get out of the house. Offer to cook or clean the house. Do things you’d like someone to do for you if the roles were reversed.“

“I had a coworker who sent warm cookies which was such a sweet gesture. I had been trying to eat well while I was pregnant. During my miscarriage, I gave myself a break and pretty much ate terribly so the cookies fit in well. 😉 Also, I appreciated those people who sent cards. It validated that we did have a loss.“

9. Write out a few comforting quotes or Bible verses

One of the most helpful things for me was a set of index cards, on which I wrote all the comforting Bible verses that anyone texted, or wrote to me in a card. Since then, I’ve passed along sets of cards to others who are going though something similar. (You can see my Bible verses here.)

10. Bring a meal

Food is a strong way to show love and camaraderie. One of our friends dropped off a full steak dinner after we had our miscarriage. Another friend brought us dinner while we were in the hospital dealing with complications. It was such a kind gesture, and showed me that they cared about our family, and understood that we needed to feel cared for during this time.

“Many friends dropped off meals and little gifts. It was just nice to know that I was loved and not alone.”

11. Offer to return/put away baby or maternity items

The day that I had to clean out my closet, and put all of the maternity clothes back into storage, was really hard. I didn’t even think about it at the time, but if someone had offered to do that task for me, I definitely would have said yes!

12. Offer to babysit older kids

This is especially helpful right after a miscarriage, while your friend is recovering. But even weeks later, it can be a kind gesture to offer your friend a break, and some time to herself.

“Sometimes just say you are sorry. Be sad with her. Support her. Bring her meals and clean her house while she recovers. Offer to take her other children to the park, if she wants. Ask her how you can help her to grief and to acknowledge and celebrate this beautiful child even though he or she was never born.”

13. Follow her lead

Recognize that everyone is different, and every mama deals with miscarriage differently. Follow your friend’s lead. If you’re not sure if they want to talk, if they’d be up for a visit, or if they need help with anything, just ask, and honor her response.

“In the very beginning, do not force someone to talk if they’re not ready. Please do not ask for all the gory details. Please do not offer them advice. Each loss, while possibly sharing similarities, is unique to each mother. We all have our own path, our own process.“

“It’s ok for people who haven’t experienced a miscarriage to say that they can’t fully understand what you’re going through. For me, I was ok with people asking questions since I felt like they truly cared about me. Saying “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “So sorry for your loss” was good. I appreciated people recognizing that we lost something.”

“Don’t try to minimize her grief or brush it off. Take your cue from her. Some women aren’t phased by miscarriage. If that’s the case, don’t make her feel bad about not grieving deeply. But if she feels the loss deeply, as many of us do, let her feel sad and ask how you can help.“

“Follow her lead. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. If she wants to share, be willing to listen. Here are some helpful ways to start a conversation:“

“I know our stories are different, but I want you to know you’re not alone and I’m here for you.”
“I am so sorry for the loss of your child. What can I do for you?”
“Would you like to talk?”
“How may I comfort you?”

14. Find a memorial event

There are memorial events to honor babies, such as candlelight services, walks, and butterfly releases. If you are aware of an event like this in your area, pass the information along to your friend, and let her make the decision about whether or not she would like to attend.

“There was a walk in September that I did for moms who had miscarriages and it was nice to be around other people that had the same thing happen to them.“

15. Give a prayer journal

I have created a devotional prayer journal, specifically for women who have recently experienced a miscarriage. You can head over here to download the free PDF, which you can print and give to your friend. It contains Bible verses to meditate on and pray, along with journal prompts for recording and remembering your story.

Miscarriage is hard on everyone involved. Thank you for your heart in wanting to help someone in your life who is going through this difficult time. I pray that no matter what you choose to do, your love and support will show through your actions.

Thanks for reading,

Laura

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